Today I am remembered.All day long I feel created.I want to be known, which requires honesty. I dislike my propensity to self-edit to maintain an image
but it's uncomfortable at times to let one know what you've said to another.
Surely one will know me different than another.An email I wrote on Monday night to a 71 year old man:
Sorry it took me all day to get back to you Pops. I don't want to be
another non-responder. It was a good breakfast this Monday morning. I
feel privileged to speak with you. I'm sorry I didn't come in to EA to
meet your wife in the evening time. Perhaps I will meet her yet. Today
was intense for me. Not in that I had much to accomplish. On the
contrary, I was entirely unproductive, but there is much going on
inside of me. I didn't produce, but I met old friends and made new
ones. I loved, and I hugged. I affirmed and I encouraged. These things,
I believe are just as valid as my doing the laundry and tidying the
apartment. I'm a college dropout Jim. I'm no stranger to failure. There
have been many days in a row, in the past, where I would sit paralyzed
from doing anything productive. But truly, this past half year, I have
worked with my hands and not my mind. This past half year, I've read
little and written less. But most of my time is consumed with the act
of being. I have learned to be content in each moment - not mourning
over the past or waiting for the future to redeem me, but to be truly
present in the moment, to those around me. This is my power. To be in
the moment, and BE WITH the people right in front of me, and enjoy it.
I have friends to consider and pray for. I am learning that my
listening to their words and participation in their hurt, costs me. The
Spirit moves me to will and to act according to mysterious purposes.
There was little good reason for me to not go to work today, other than
sleeping quite poorly. But through the whole day, I was a prayer. In my
movements, in my breathing. I am ordinary. I am not spiritually
accomplished by any means. I'm just a regular dude, trying to figure
this life out, and mostly failing at it. But the truth spoken to me
today is this, "We glorify ourselves too easily through taking pride in
the accomplishments achieved in our strengths. God uses us to glorify
himself, and bring us righteousness, by accomplishing his purposes
through our weaknesses". If I am to become anything significant, or
honorable, or accomplished, at least by this world's standards, I'd
consider it a miracle cuz' I don't have the discipline, focus,
patience, or care to succeed in attaining a BA. But Jim, my new friend,
what's it worth? What is the College degree worth? It's through failing
to attain it that I have finally understood the nature of God's love. I
do not deserve this love and I cannot invoke it. It is His to give, and
you cannot steal a gift. He is kind. Peace out.
And a response:Dear David (Beloved of God)
I think that I told you that our youngest sons'
name is David. He wasted time like you wouldn't believe it. He took
a whole year off and went and lived out of Edmonton, in our cabin out in the
forest. Today he is a graduate from Yale school of architecture and
lives with his wife and two kids in Harlem, New York City, and is so busy he
hardly ever calls us, but we love him.
Thank you for sharing part of your life with me
both yesterday and now in this email. You are a very mature young man, who
for some reason made a very deep impression on me. I am as sure as God made
little green apples, that you will be a success in life....and success is
whatever you decide it to be. For me, it was very important to go to
university, even when it was senseless for me to even to imagine that I could
afford it or to get a degree in medicine. My whole purpose was to be a
medical missionary. I have been a doctor, (not brilliant, but good) for
forty two years, and maybe now I am ready for the missionary part, right here in
Abbotsford, to all the heathen that hang out in addiction (ethical) centers, and
else where. And then to meet a follower of Jesus in the midst
of that, and one that reaffirmed me, was a gift from God. I think that I
told you that you had the face of Jesus, and I still mean that...
... He
will receive his PhD. from Fuller seminary when this thesis is finished.
He is 49 years old, so you still have lots of time to get your
education.
Dona Nobis Pacem (God Grant us Your
Peace)
Pops....
p.s. It is better to learn to control yourself than
to try to control others....a saying that I heard at EA by a young
punk!
Comments (1)
Thanks for posting this Dave.
Incidentally, JK Rowling says that "failure means a stripping away of the inessential," and the best way to stop pretending to ourselves that we are anything other than what we are. I guess if you've learned this, you're further along than a lot of us.